This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” May 24, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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GOV. ANDREW CUOMO (D-NY): I had conversations with my brother. I always have conversations with my brother, because he’s my brother and he’s my best friend. And obviously, he was aware of what was going on.
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GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Wow. If that’s how you treat your best friend, I’d hate to be your dog. You know, I always welcome those who come around to my way of thinking. Yes, it took a few years but people are starting to embrace replacing milk with vodka when eating Captain Crunch. Hmm. Still tastes good. And what was once considered a conspiracy theory involving Kat’s new mysterious husband is now starting to be accepted as conventional wisdom.
I mean, how do we know they arrested the right guy? Look ahead of it, I think the news speaks for itself. It is uncanny. But you know what else is uncanny? How the activist media only retreats when their stupid ideas start to cost them politically. Take crime. Last year as it decimated our cities that media mocked it.
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DON LEMON, CNN ANCHOR: The Democratic cities are in chaos right now. Is this what you want from Joe Biden and they’re going to take your country away and they’re taking down the statues and —
CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR: Crime is rising, they defund police.
LEMON: Oh, my gosh, it’s so bad and they get defunding police. It’s like.
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GUTFELD: Indeed. But then the light bulb went off in Lemon’s otherwise empty head. Maybe rolling your eyes over crime victims isn’t a good look. I wonder if he now thinks it’s a blind spot for Democrats.
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LEMON: I think this is a blind spot for Democrats. I think Democrats are ignoring this problem or hoping that it will go away. And it’s not going to go away. Joe Biden may be afraid to do it. I’m not sure. Maybe he won’t. Maybe he is. He’s got to address it. The writing has to stop. Chris, as you know, and I know it’s showing up in the polling. It’s showing up in focus groups. It is the only thing right now that is sticking.
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GUTFELD: Hmm. I’d say that’s an about face, except they’re always talking out of their asses. That was a while ago, but this is the left. The problem is never the crime. It’s the effect it has politically. Or as Ezra Klein puts it, how crime hurts the liberal project. Liberal project it. Gets it’s like the Lincoln project except you molest everyone. Allegedly. In a tweet thread. He says this, violence is spiking. Homicides were up by 25 to 40 percent in 2020. The largest single year increase since 1960.
And 2021 isn’t looking any better. Now remember, this is from a New York Times liberal, which is why Klein has to add. This is a crisis on its own terms, but it’s also a crisis for the broader liberal project. And he’s right, all those dead people make defunding the police look really bad. But Klein knew he couldn’t get his side to care, unless he suggested that not caring would threaten their political fortunes.
They only feel your pain to get elected. He then adds that violent crime causes families to leave cities, businesses to close, banks refusing loans, his property values drop. There are lifelong impacts that traumatized kids. So wait, is he talking about crime or liberalism? Now this might be the point where Klein sees the value in policing. But instead he focuses on political fallout. Like the Atlanta Mayor isn’t running again after being called soft on crime. He points out.
There’s a recall effort in San Francisco district attorney, Chesa Boudin, who so far has banned cash bail and release felons from jail. Both his parents were weather underground domestic terrorists, I guess the grenade doesn’t fall far from the tree. And now Klein were his crimes, the top concern in NYC behind COVID which leads to is key fear. If these numbers keep getting worse than as with Nixon and Reagan in the 70s and 80s it could bring law and order conservatives, including Trump back to power in 2024.
So there you go. The reason why you should address crime, it’s not about the victims. It’s who returns to power. He fears that rising crime could bring back leaders who care about rising crime. He’s literally afraid of safe streets. What else is he afraid of? Child car seats and toothpaste with fluoride? Klein realizes that as crime rises, citizens don’t vote for liberals. So either you fight the crime or you get more criminals to vote. So what’s Klein’s solution?
Well, more liberal policies apparently. Yes, cities destroyed by left wingers just need more of them. That’s like giving Dana another picture of her dog. But now they see crime victims are less inclined to sympathize with the liberal system that lets this mayhem unfold. But instead of empathizing, the Dems fret about their power, they say, well, we could lose elections, when they should be asking, why is the crime happening?
But they can’t because the answers in the mirror, it’s the policies they push. So the only way they could deplore violence is through its political consequences, as opposed to the looting and the rioting that caused billions in damages. Which is why their idea of eliminating the crime problem is to eliminate the stats, just stop arresting shoplifters. Who cares if it’s so out of control? Walgreens has closed 17 of its stores in San Francisco alone.
Who does that hurt? Not the media, or the rich. No, it’s the poor, the elderly, the minorities in those areas. I wonder what the angry white male has to say.
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TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: How does it affect me? Well, I don’t go into the city all that much anymore. I used to like to do that. That’s a shame. Funny thing is, I bet the politicians making these decisions don’t go into the city that much either. Oh, well. I got to run. Afternoon tea time in my safe gated community.
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GUTFELD: I don’t know. I think I saw racist hand signal in there. Of course, I will accept any liberal who wants to fight crime, even if it’s for the preservation of their own power. If they think being tough on crime means that when more elections then act on it. My issue is they don’t when they talk tough, they don’t act tough later. It’s like when I told people, I’ll fight them on the playground after school and then I didn’t show up. That was last week.
I’m telling you, those eighth graders are getting bigger. But the Dems say they’re going to solve crime and then they continue with policies that led it to spread in the first place. Happily, though, not all events are marred by violence. National Greg Gutfeld Day which was held Saturday in Manhattan went off beautifully without any problems at all. Let’s take a look.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Ladies and gentlemen National Greg Gutfeld Day starts in three, two, one.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes. And what a glorious day it was. What began on the streets of New York City quickly spilled through towns across the world. A day that meant so much to so many. Greg is already being credited with boosting global tourism.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: It’s the best time of the year. I think it’s the best time for visitors to come and see our city.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Even former President Donald Trump celebrated Greg in his own way. Republicans and Democrats we’re seeing making out in the streets. Dogs and cats were seeing hugging in a time of great division. Greg truly brings us all together.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This is the man, this is (INAUDIBLE)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The outpouring of love to Greg and each other led to the most unexpected conclusion.
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GUTFELD: We had to stop there for FCC reasons. But you see, it is possible to unify this country. All it takes is one very sexy hero.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. She’s so sharp she can open a clamshell with her thoughts. The Federalist culture editor, Emily Jashinsky. He’s so smart Rubik’s Cubes struggle to solve him. The Babylon Bee chief executive, Seth Dillon. His jokes really make you think you should see another comedian. Comedian Joe Machi is back. She donated blood and they gave it back. Fox News contributor Kat Timpf.
You know, first before I get to the guests. I was really surprised that neither of you showed up at National Greg Gutfeld Day. I’d had reserved seating and everything.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: We — yes.
GIULIANI: Were you invited?
TIMPF: I’m a little distraught. I’m just – I think I need to talk to my husband when I get home after the monologue.
EMILY JASHINSKY, THE FEDERALIST CULTURE EDITOR: Where was Kat in the Greg Gutfeld —
GUTFELD: That is true. We may not see her again now that the news is out. All right. So, let me go to you, Seth. Seth, your — you helmed the incredibly successful Babylon Bee which have — you haven’t if you don’t follow it on Twitter or read it. You’re crazy. You should. You — I don’t think the Babylon Bee would be as successful as it is if it wasn’t for the mentality that drives for example, their thoughts on crime. The Democrats’ thoughts on crime?
SETH DILLON, THE BABYLON BEE CHIEF EXECUTIVE: Well, yes. I mean, it’s so absurd. Now look at Kamala Harris was raising funds to bail out writers.
DILLON: Excuse me. Peaceful protesters.
GUTFELD: Right, right. Of course.
DILLON: In Minnesota, I mean, it — all these instances where you have all this violent crime rising up in the streets, they’re prodding it and encouraging it. And then to see people turn around and act like, oh, this rise in crime is something that’s going to — it’s going to help our opponents radically.
DILLON: Well, then what were you doing this whole time?
DILLON: You created this problem. It’s not crying that’s hurting leftist. It’s leftists who are hurting leftists.
GUTFELD: Exactly. Emily, we know you’re a violent person.
JASHINSKY: Well known.
GUTFELD: Yes. It’s well — I’ve tweaked. We were talking about before the show. A question whether we should have armed security here.
JASHINSKY: You think he’s joking?
GUTFELD: Yes. I’m not. What — why can’t like it’s interesting. Why can’t the political consequences and real-life consequences align themselves? What’s wrong with that? But it’s like, but no, the Dems can only think about it in a political way.
JASHINSKY: Yes. They think about it in a political way. And it’s just interesting to see somebody like Ezra Klein slip back into the sort of Don Draper role and be like, listen, we can’t sell these Democrats while there’s riots happening, when in fact, actually, they’re sort of like your question about the liberal project. He has a podcast where he asked do Democrats have an answer to violence?
The answer is obviously no, because we’ve let them try experiment running our cities for decades. Their answer is always to throw for more money and apply more bureaucracy to a situation instead of actually saying maybe we need to shrink things here. Maybe we need to rebudget. Maybe we need to do these different things. Instead, their entire worldview has calcified into something that’s actually more tolerant of criminal behavior.
I mean, I live in Washington, D.C. The tolerance that exists around some tragic populations like the homeless population in that city, it’s not good for crime rates.
JASHINSKY: But they’re going to keep doing it.
GUTFELD: Yeah. You know what’s interesting? It’s like the Democrats are therapists for criminals. And then Ezra Klein is the therapist for the Democrats to help them get — like, so how’s it going out? Well, they’re still committing a lot of crime. Just crumble over to go. You know, have you really thought about doing more of this and it’s always the same thing, Joe? Joe, are you terrified right now that what’s going on in the cities?
JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: I am, Greg. And first off, I want to apologize for not being at Greg Gutfeld Day. I celebrated privately.
MACHI: It’s just — it’s — you have made the fourth Cinco de Mayo Mother’s Day. Great Gutfeld all in a row. It’s just — it’s a lot. I’m still hung over.
GUTFELD: It’s a lot. You know what it is? It’s a lot like Thanksgiving and Christmas when they — and then New Year’s Eve where they kind of all pile up and you put on like that a 20 pounds and —
MACHI: Oh man, you should see my credit card bill now. I’ll tell you what, Greg, to yes and Emily’s point. In New York we thrown a billion dollars at ThriveNYC to help mental health in the last five years. And judging by people on the subway that I’m not looking at that asked me when I’m looking at (INAUDIBLE) getting crazier every year.
GUTFELD: It is — it is amazing how the mentally ill and this is the — I’m not laughing at this because I’ve been talking about this this problem in New York City and the thrive issue, the $800 million dollars that they can — they know when you’re — they — like it’s not safe on the subway. They look right at you. And then you go, oh, God, here it comes. Kat, you must be just — when you see all these drugstores closing this has to scare you.
TIMPF: Oh, yes. My prescript — I got, you know, further to go my item a lot of prescription medication.
GUTFELD: You spread them –do you spread them out over pharmacies?
TIMPF: Oh, doctor shopping?
GUTFELD: Yes. So they —
TIMPF: Oh, no. I don’t even know what the — I don’t even know what that phrase means. I heard about it.
TIMPF: Yes, look. The Democrats had a huge opportunity here, right? Because police reform is something that most Americans agree we need. They could have done that. Instead, they said, you know what, no more cops, done with cops. Nobody could survive with that kind of logically. I had food poisoning a few weeks ago. If I was like, that’s it. No more food. I didn’t do that. I continue to occasionally eat after that happened to me.
Because — so it’s no shock when something that dumb happens that they’re not going to continue to survive.
GUTFELD: You know, how dare you compare food poisoning to police brutality.
TIMPF: I didn’t compare.
GUTFELD: Yes. It was an analogy, but you know what? You’re a racist bigot? Probably a homophobe.
TIMPF: Oh. Oh, yes, yes.
GUTFELD: Yes. You’ve ticked all the boxes tonight. I’m afraid. I can’t wait to see you canceled tomorrow morning.
TIMPF: I can’t wait to see me be canceled for homophobia. That would quite hilarious.
GUTFELD: All right. Coming up. The war on cleavage, next.
GUTFELD: Was there Photoshop a photo flop? Did these students sin by showing too much skin? A high school in Florida. They have at least seven there, Joe, is getting crap for altering 80 girls yearbook photos without their permission. The problem with the pics too many tattoos of Stuart Varney. Well done. Look, I’m getting that. All right. Actually, it’s too many expose shoulders and low necklines.
So you’ve got the quite scandalous photos on the left and the crude Photoshopped ones on the right. They might as well add bonnets and butter churns. Apparently, Bartram Trail High School’s yearbook coordinator, a teacher decided the photos were out of dress code. It did some editing. Mostly adding more clothing to the chest and shoulder areas. I can say that right. So was there a teacher a jerka for adding digital burkas?
Oh, man. A district spokesman says it was a teacher who was doing the best she could. I agree. And I think there was no mal intent. She thought she was doing the right thing and trying to be helpful. And I think ultimately, though, it was a mistake. Wow. For now, the school is offering $100 refund to anyone who wants to return the yearbook. Still, I’m glad there was no such thing as photo editing in my day.
Here’s my unretouched yearbook photo. Can’t mess with perfection, I guess. Strange shape of the box, though. Had an — had an accident when I was younger. Thank God, they have drugs for it now, Kat. You attended your prom wearing sweat pants. Is it a time for dress codes to go?
TIMPF: No, look, I’m very offended by what happened to these girls. Because the same thing has been happening to me for years. My massive, massive cleavage keeps getting edited out of every photo, a video of me ever. And it’s — people think it’s because that I’m as flat as I was the day I was born. Or that every illusion is just created by a massive bra that would register on a, you know, the padding, would register on a bathroom scale.
But no. It’s really tough to go through as somebody with quadruple D’s that people can only see in person and just have my giant breasts make everyone so uncomfortable that they need to be edited out of photos. It’s very sexist, and I — and I know what they’re going through here.
GUTFELD: You know, I think there’s some weird when you look at those pictures from the yearbook. This is an unexpected boon to Joe to perverts who like looking at young women with blurry faces. It’s the blurry face pervert that is really winning this battle.
MACHI: That teacher struck a blow against your book smart.
MACHI: And I for one I’m grateful. I’m all for turtleneck swimsuits, Greg. But I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. The article stated that these kids are being teased for the photo edits, if that’s what the bullies are using to up their game. When I was in high school, my nickname was wurkel, it stood for white urkel. It was devastating. But I got through it. And now I can take all kinds of criticism.
GUTFELD: That’s beautiful. So Emily, are they blaming — they shouldn’t be blaming the teacher, she meant well. I hope she doesn’t get in trouble for this.
JASHINSKY: Well, yes. And I hesitate to make a serious point here. But there is one which is that young women gets so many mixed messages about what’s acceptable and what’s not true. And they’re not getting any moral clarity from their parents. And our schools sure as heck aren’t prepared to give them the moral clarity they need as evidenced by this fiasco. My favorite part of the story, actually, I have two favorite parts.
First of all, 80 pictures, they did this to 80 pictures in the school of 2500 people. If I had paid more attention in high school, I would be able to tell you what the percentage there. It’s — but it’s way it’s pretty high.
GUTFELD: Five percent.
JASHINSKY: Secondly, we didn’t even mention the boys protested in solidarity. The girls. These altruistic selfless —
TIMPF: High school guys wanted to see boobs.
JASHINSKY: They wanted to. They want — and they were deprived of it.
GUTFELD: Wow. That is —
JASHINSKY: By the man.
GUTFELD: Finally a political issue that high school boys get behind. OK. Seth, you of all people would understand this. This is another story that should remain local. It’s about a high school yearbook controversy.
GUTFELD: It shouldn’t have never even left the school but because the way social media and in clickbait. It is now on the most successful late night show in American history. All right. I didn’t expect the applause. Your welcome, America.
DILLON: It’s like a weird variation of the Streisand effect.
DILLON: You know, like when she tried to like suppress those pictures, aerial pictures of her home by suing the guy that took them and they want a Web site that had been viewed like six times ever. And then the lawsuit generated millions of downloads of these images.
DILLON: It’s the same type of thing is that you try to cover this stuff up. Now the original photos have been viewed how many millions of times.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes.
DILLON: The real travesty here is the Photoshop work.
TIMPF: It’s not good.
DILLON: If she’s going to be fired, this was a teacher that did this?
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
DILLON: — fire for that.
GUTFELD: Yes. Well, it might not have been her primary expertise. But I didn’t read far enough down the story to find out what kind of expertise she had.
JASHINSKY: Whose job is photoshopping the boobs?
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. You know what she did? She was like — she was like a first responder to the scene.
GUTFELD: He’s a boob responder.
TIMPF: Get whoever the person is who does mine because they’re far more convincing.
GUTFELD: I just hope this doesn’t cleave our country even more.
GUTFELD: That’s where the word comes from. Cleave. I don’t know. What am I talking about? Coming up. Fauchi flips again. He’s like a human spatula.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Pandemic-con.
GUTFELD: It’s Fauci blaming labs while Whitmer runs up tabs. In the latest Anthony Fauci flip flop, our highest paid federal employee is now open to COVID coming from a lab and not the appetizers menu at the Wuhan wet market. This after a year of asserting that the virus like me at a zoo mixer had jumped from species to species. It’s disgusting. I don’t stand for peace reality jokes here.
He changes direction more than people that were planning to move to Portland. Fauci sipped follows imports that three researchers that the Wuhan Institute of Neurology or with were hospitalized with coronavirus. Symptoms in November 2019. In May of 2020, Fauci in the World Health Organization dismissed the lab leak theory as poppycock, bunkum, and possibly Balderdash. Who disagreed? That would be former President Trump and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo.
But now they’re far-fetched lab theories look more near fetched every day, near fetched. Meanwhile, Michigan did Governor Gretchen Whitmer flout rules about dining out, she was photographed maskless with friends despite strict social distancing rules, but she since apologized, “I went with friends to a local restaurant.
As more people arrive, the tables were pushed together the order, because we’re all vaccinated. I am human. I made a mistake,” really? “And I apologize.” Well, if apology sounds more like a justification for breaking your own rules, it’s possibly because the rules never made any sense.
The galloping Governor’s under investigation for skipping town on an unauthorized flight to Florida as well, while assisting your state’s residents stay home hiding under their beds. And finally, what of the pangolin what of the pangolin? Is there a mandolin for the pangolin? Oh, here, it was smeared as the species behind the viruses spread to humans. We went to one for comment, but he appeared drunk.
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JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: I didn’t do it. I’m sick of being blamed for this COVID crap. I just want to eat bugs, by the way. Greg, say hi to Steve Doocy.
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GUTFELD: Very strange, but pangolins love doozy. It’s like his number one core demo. It happens everywhere. Joe, the pangolins? What is your make of the real origin story?
MACHI: I don’t know the jury’s still out. I wouldn’t make a decision before I even looked into it like the World Health Organization did initially. But I know this, I don’t trust Dr. Anthony Fauci either. I wouldn’t want him to be my personal doctor because he changes his mind more than I’m comfortable with a doctor changing their mind. He said, don’t wear a mask. And then, he said wear a mask. And he said wear two masks. That’s a net gain of three masks.
GUTFELD: That’s not always flipped on.
MACHI: It’s been everything. He’s our best, he’s our best doctor.
GUTFELD: Now, I told you, you got cancer. You might not. Sorry, I went that way, but maybe you have two cancers. Kat, what, what, what bothers you more the origin story or Whitmer?
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Well, I will they both bother me, right. But Whitmer, I was talking to my dad about it right, because he’s in Michigan. My family’s all in Michigan.
GUTFELD: He’s currently serving time, right?
TIMPF: Yes. We’re hoping you’ll get out soon in time for Christmas.
GUTFELD: I don’t know that crime was pretty grisly. That entire family? Really.
TIMPF: He did listen. He doesn’t there’s no it’s circumstantial. OK. Yes. But her apology. Look, there’s, there’s a lot of upset. There’s good apologies. There’s bad apologies. But right here we got a really rare breed of apology, where the apology was actually worse than what she was apologizing for. Because she said I’m so sorry, I’m human.
I made this mistake than sitting in enjoying dinner with 11 other vaccinated people. That’s like the one correct thing you’ve done over a year now. Your apology, what you should have said is, you know, my bad, I did nothing wrong, you should be able to do it too.
Because other people who get busted for this, it’s a little worse than them having to sit with their taxpayer funded P.R. team a cup with a statement they lose their licenses, they lose their livelihoods. So, she’s to say you’re right. I’m a total hypocritical.
You guys can live your life especially because it came out — in Texas, there’s been no measurable effects and hospitalizations, deaths or even COVID cases by opening 100 percent to do that, and then also take away anyone who lost their license take that away Take any of the you know, anyone who’s prosecuted for this take that away. That’s what she should assign him saying, I’m sorry, I did something completely harmless and normal.
GUTFELD: A good point there, Seth. You know, when we’re on the right when we were pretty good at policing our conspiracy theories. And but the media tends to any kind of theory we have is a conspiracy theory. This reminds me of exactly what happened to the Hunter Biden laptop. Anything that like when you go there’s something going on here, they’ll know your nuts. That’s exactly what happened here. They linked like crazy people can have app can have conspiracy theories that are actually legitimate.
SETH DILLON, CHIEF EXECUTIVE, BABYLON BEE: Well, we should start to learn to play this 40 chess game. Imagine if Trump had come out playing this, his 40 chests and say it definitely didn’t come from China. How different would this have played out that if he insisted it didn’t come from China? You know, the media would have been looking into that to see if maybe they could find evidence that it did.
GUTFELD: What’s he hiding?
DILLON: Yes, exactly. But that Fauci is all over the place. I feel like he’s as consistent as he would be if he was using a magic eight ball to answer what I should do. What is the science telling me to do right now? You know, and just shake the ball and see what it says. It’s all over the place.
TIMPF: Yes, he’s got every opinion.
DILLON: Every opinion. Yes, there is not an opinion on any of these. The vaccination, distancing after vaccinated. He’s going back and forth on that, how many masks you should wear? He’s had, if you have any opinion on either side of the any of these issues, you’ve agreed with Fauci at some point.
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. That’s true. And also, I mean, is the real untold story here is that he is just deeply anti-pangolin? I mean, it’s like they were the guy, the pangolin — first, it was bats, was it really was about pangolins? No one’s — like, who’s suffering right now? The pangolins.
EMILY JASHINSKY, CULTURE EDITOR, THE FEDERALIST: And nobody’s talking about it, except for you, Greg.
GUTFELD: No, I’m the only one. I’m the only one, Emily. And you know what, maybe tomorrow, you’re the Culture Editor the Federalist, you should write a piece on this.
JASHINSKY: Yes, I would, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a pangolin in your green.
GUTFELD: Those, those were different scales.
JASHINSKY: I think there was a serious point though, that difference —
GUTFELD: I don’t know what that means either. Best let it just go.
JASHINSKY: OK, so in the spirit of just letting it go, there are two, this is like these stories are completely related. Because let’s not forget the reason that Fauci is magic eight ball dynamic here is because he thinks the public is too stupid at any given moment. He said he’s told us, we know he’s actually not using a magic eight ball because he’s told us he flip flops and what he thinks depending on what the public is ready to hear at any given moment.
DILLON: Yes. No, he’s following the science.
JASHINSKY: It’s the same with Gretchen Whitmer.
DILLON: The science is like those UFOs you’re seeing, it just goes around all over the place.
GUTFELD: You know what, he could be using the same magic eight ball that Hunter Biden uses. Which is about far superior, magic eight ball. Not that I would know. Drugs are bad. But if you have any: 12-11 6th Avenue. All right, up next, you might be headed to the joint if you block this street to make a point.
GUTFELD: He’s calling foul play on protests, blocking roadways. Not really a rhyme. It’s true Texas justice is what you’ll meet, if you try and block the streets. That’s a rhyme. Make the fire truck wait, then you’ll be making a license plate. See, that’s how you do a rhyme. All right, Texas Governor Greg Abbott says he will sign a bill that increases penalties for protesters who block roads and obstruct emergency vehicles. Hopefully that includes ice cream trucks.
Abbott tweeted, “Legislation cracking down on protesters for blocking roads passes in the Senate. Peaceful protest does include blocking roadways and preventing emergency vehicle access. That chaos won’t be tolerated in Texas.” Well, let’s just start hopefully this will expand to protect other users of public roads like truckers, private citizens and prostitutes. As for the punishment for protesters who blocked roadways, they got to go on a date with this guy.
I’d seen him before. I don’t know where. Outside our building.
TIMPF: I brought him to the green room.
GUTFELD: Yes, you did. You dated him briefly for four years. Yes, it was brief, but it was four years. Your Kat, you were at you were in Texas this weekend. Baking you the resident expert.
GUTFELD: Is this a really Texas thing to do?
TIMPF: Yes, I was just a little shocked that it was like everybody didn’t vote for this, right? Like, I mean, all about, you know, peaceful protest, protest things great. But there’s some things that are important. And I think that when you’re in an ambulance seeking emergency medical care, that is definitely qualifies as important.
TIMPF: Texas, I had the best time. I went to a bar and there was no masks in the bar. And I was so happy, and then I thought about how sad my life is here. Like, my face is out, and there’s other faces. And it was great. Like that should that shouldn’t be that exciting, but that’s really how bad it is here.
GUTFELD: I imagined that’s how Kilmeade feels when he goes to the nudist camp. He’s like I’m free at last.
TIMPF: Not just in his office anymore.
GUTFELD: I know. Just unbelievably rude, disgusting. Emily, the irony here is that this law is designed to protect the protesters. But there are going to be the one who complained about it.
JASHINSKY: Oh, they should be sending him like a muffin basket. Because they’re the ones who are actually going to benefit from this. Like this is an incredibly dangerous thing that they do. We’ve watched the experiment play out sometimes tragically. And they continue to use this method as Abbott correctly identified, because the disincentives just aren’t high enough. It annoys working people who have to commute and annoys everybody, except for the protesters who have to get their Instagram activism on the record. And it’s just like, you know, they should again be thanking him because it’s so dangerous and it creates these terrible situations. Not good for anybody. But of course, they’re going to oppose Abbott just because he’s on the other side.
GUTFELD: How did you know that muffin basket was my safe word?
JASHINSKY: Muffin basket, really?
GUTFELD: Yes, yes. It’s brought me into another place. Sadly, that always happens. The moment — OK, so I, I always worry when my wife goes shopping, because I’m afraid that she’s going to get trapped by protesters. Because whenever you see somebody try to drive off, somebody is on top and then they all chase the car and they make, and you’re always afraid they’re going to this is this is like a net. This is necessary, correct?
JASHINSKY: It doesn’t matter how many times you scream muffin basket, by the way.
GUTFELD: Yes, they’re going to come at you. They don’t care.
DILLON: I don’t know what’s in the bill. Does it protect you, if you run over these people? Can you, can you save your own life by running over them before they pull you out and the curb stop you.
GUTFELD: I don’t know if this is true. So, I’m just going to go ahead and say yes. But it’s almost like a free — if they’re like jumping on your car and you’re in fear for your life, of course you’re going to panic.
DILLON: There’s already a law against pulling someone out of their car and curb something at them.
DILLON: You know, and beating them with that or something. Yes, there’s already laws against that, but people do it anyway.
GUTFELD: That’s true.
DILLON: Law. I’m not going to feel great about laws for that, preventing that, because people are going to violate those laws. I would like to have protection so that when they start trying to get into my car, I can just peel out and get out of there.
GUTFELD: Yes, I got to worry about getting in trouble for running them over. That’s a good point. That’s a fair point to get. You should have a right to escape. Joe, do you ever wish you had that right?
MACHI: I don’t ask permission to escape, Greg. I’ll tell you what.
DILLON: What was that a referenced to?
GUTFELD: That’s the beauty of it?
DILLON: We’re wondering.
MACHI: The mind can invent danger at anything. I think the law makes sense. But what I’ve seen in the last year is that somebody didn’t teach me in high school was that you have the legislative branch that makes laws, and the executive branch that the carries them out and the judicial branch that rules on their legality. But district attorneys are more powerful than all of that.
MACHI: And I don’t know how important these laws are if someone can just not enforce them at their own will.
GUTFELD: Also, to get arrested and then released moments later, which means like protesters would literally get out and do the same vandalism like in Portland, and then be on the street in 10 minutes.
MACHI: It’s like, it’s like a free ride home if you live close to the precinct.
GUTFELD: You know, that’s always been my rules, like I want to I want to live next to the police station. That way if I get arrested it’s really just a walk home. Brilliant. Brilliant. All right, up next, the rocker who got busted while getting dusted.
GUTFELD: Did this rockers nose candy come in handy? Was this belter busted getting dusted? The lead singer of an Italian rock band, no, not Abba, Kat, is denying that he did drugs on a live TV broadcast of the Eurovision Song Contest. Rock bands and cocaine now I’ve heard everything. Let’s see the tape.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I’m so happy to have performed, and I’m so happy that Eurovision.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So, did he snorted cocaine at his moment of fame? That’s Damiano David, Lead Singer of the band, Maneskin, Maneskin, whatever he claims he was just looking down because his band aid had broken a glass. But watch again in slow mo and notice how his buddy kicks him under the table when he realizes they’re on camera.
GUTFELD: I don’t know. But even when it’s slow down, it’s really great. OK, maybe it wasn’t drugs, but that guy definitely put something up his nose although with him being Italian, maybe it was Parmesan cheese. A shout out to Hunter Biden. And he did win the Eurovision Song Contest, so I guess he had some reason to celebrate. Here he is later talking to the press.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DAMIANO DAVID, LEAD SINGER, THIS IS MANESKIN: I don’t use drugs. Don’t say that, really. No cocaine, please. Don’t say that.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So, you — so, you’re saying it’s meth? Anyway, let’s hear some of their winning song.
Well, they certainly aren’t crocus. Tried to mention crocus once a week. Kat, you’ve dated a lot of rock stars who do coke.
TIMPF: Thanks for calling them stars.
GUTFELD: Well, they’re in tribute band, but anyway, thoughts?
TIMPF: Yes, I don’t know. I also just don’t know how musician maybe does cocaine has gained so much attention, because then they wouldn’t even be the only one.
GUTFELD: Well the point, that’s the point. Musicians and artists alike have been doing coke since like 1000 B.C.
GUTFELD: 1800s, why haven’t we seen this more, Emily? We should be seeing this more, not less.
JASHINSKY: I honestly thought it was a requirement to participate in Eurovision. Apparently, it’s not. Love the Zapruder level analysis of the film, by the way. And I don’t want to get like legal here, I’m not a lawyer or legal, legal expert. But I’m pretty sure that if you’re wearing a ponytail and you’re shirtless Italian musician with eyeliner, the burden of proof is on you when it comes to whether you snorted cocaine on live television.
GUTFELD: I had no idea they had coke in Italy. Everybody loves their Italian food. That’s the thing. It kills your appetite, Seth. Why would you have coke in Italy when the food is so wonderful? But I digress, is it a pride — don’t when you think somebody has a problem with a drug if they can’t wait until after the show is over?
DILLON: Yes, there’s so many possible reasons why someone might go into that position. You could have been laughing water out of that little bowl where the, where the drinks were, you know if you’re just thirsty. I don’t know. Maybe you’re saying a prayer. It’s anyone’s guess. I’m not going to prejudge him.
GUTFELD: You know what, I think you’re correct, too. And also, I as you know, I’m guilty of what’s called a Bolivian privilege. I have the benefit of being able to do certain kinds of substances in the relaxed safe environment called my house, Joe. You are an experienced drug user.
MACHI: Greg, you know, I like to have a Brewski or Two-ski.
GUTFELD: How do you feel about this? What is your, what is your assessments?
MACHI: I think it could be it can make award shows suddenly watchable again. Because if — I don’t if you know if he’s caught, caught the earlier part of the clip, there’s like eight bottles of booze right in front of the performers. And if you just got an award and you got high, I can watch that show. No sanctimonious speeches, you just —
JASHINSKY: It’s like how much better the Oscars were when James Franco was stoned out of his mind.
GUTFELD: Yes. Now, look how his career went. It’s just, I haven’t seen him since. I am not going to drug shame him because in a perfect world, it would be legal and he would be able to do something that doesn’t require him shoving it up his nose, which seems so primitive and disgusting. But economic, I guess, I don’t know. Don’t go anywhere, we’ll be right back.
GUTFELD: Before we go, let’s take a second remember that.
ANNOUNCER: “ANIMALS ARE JERKS. ANIMALS ARE JERKS. ANIMALS ARE JERKS.”
GUTFELD: Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Emily Jashinsky, Seth Dillom, Joe Machi, Kat, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.
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