“Of all the things I lost I miss my mind the most.” Ozzy Osbourne is a true “Master of [un]Reality.” If you think Ozzy’s music is trippy, his antics will blow your mind. People expect the Prince of Darkness to be all doom and gloom, but Ozzy also has a great sense of humor. Ozzy is always doing something unexpected — whether it’s jamming with Post Malone, sharing a duet with Miss Piggy, snuggling up to Jessica Simpson for “Winter Wonderland,” or collaborating with artists like DMX and Ol’ Dirty Bastard for South Park, or even collecting Victorian art. Ozzy used to play in derelict Victorian houses as a kid. He loves the post-impressionist painter Toulouse-Lautrec.
Ozzy has accrued fans of all stripes. Dr. Ruth Westheimer ranks among the Osbourne’s friends. The pair co-hosted Friday Night Videos in 1986. Ozzy’s nemeses tend not to be cool people. Bill Cosby, for instance, wrote to Sharon to tell her that he believed The Osbourne’s set a bad example. Ozzy is rarely one to put others’ music down. While growing up, his family in Birmingham enjoyed pop music. Ozzy has always wanted their approval. When Ozzy first brought home the album Black Sabbath (1970), his father, John Thomas “Jack” Osbourne Sr., didn’t understand why the cross inside was inverted. Ozzy was thrilled when Black Sabbath performed “”Paranoid,” on one of his family’s favorite programs, the British show Top of the Pops. Ozzy’s sisters, with whom he keeps in touch, are proud supporters of his accomplishments.
How far does Ozzy’s open-mindedness extend? By a strange turn of events, Ozzy Osbourne ended up in a recording session one day for a song “Shake Your Head,” in which young Madonna featured as a “back up” singer. Ozzy’s lyrics for this bizarre tune are some of the strangest: “You can’t talk Shakespeare to a monkey.” The song was eventually re-recorded with Kim Basinger. A word to the brave: The original recording survives on YouTube. The “Believer” singer ventured so far into the realm of pop as to parody his “Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?!” moment with Blink-182’s Mark Hoppus in a Super Bowl commercial with he whose name shall not be repeated twice to self-respecting metalheads. At least, Ozzy had his protective space suit. Yet, it makes no difference where this traveler of all time and space lands. In all contexts, Ozzy is 100% “Iron Man.”
During his outrageous life, Ozzy Osbourne has had many health scares, including the time his ATV crashed into a crater, which had been caused by a Nazi bomb, and his false HIV diagnosis. Ozzy and Sharon recently revealed his battle with Parkinson’s Disease after concealing the much-suspected secret for nearly two decades. We are ecstatic that the mad genius has survived his countless brushes with the reaper. We show our love for Ozzy Osbourne, “The Wizard” himself, with 10 of his biggest WTF moments:
Ozzy Osbourne settled down with his first wife, Thelma, in a home called Bulrush Cottage in Ranton, Staffordshire. Thelma irked Ozzy with her constant demands. Why should he have to feed the clucking chickens that she had purchased. One day, Ozzy snapped and opened fire on the entire avian lot. He doused the carnage in gasoline and set it on fire. Ozzy’s bullets continued to rain upon the pyre. Discovering a lone survivor chicken, Ozzy chased it with a sword. When Ozzy’s elderly neighbor finally stepped out with a garden hoe, she greeted the madman, who was wearing only a dressing down: “Ah good evening, Mr. Osbourne… Unwinding are we?”
That Bulrush Cottage was the crime scene of many other awful events. Ozzy killed Thelma’s 17 cats. He also blasted the head off a seven-foot taxidermy grizzly bear from that house. One of the worst Bulrush anecdotes was spawned when Thelma accidentally fed the vicar a cake, which was 80% bad marijuana and 20% pastry. After the vicar passed out, Ozzy dragged him to his home and left him on the steps. Until the pair met again, Ozzy assumed that he had died.
Ozzy’s cruelty towards various life forms began early. As a child, Ozzy tried to kill the fish in his school’s aquarium with Fairy Liquid, dish soap, before he chickened out midway. Ozzy has snorted ants, much like his friend Marilyn Manson, who promotes snorting sea-monkeys. Ozzy held miscellaneous jobs in his youth: car horn tuner, crematorium worker, plumber’s apprentice, and methylene chloride-inhaling factory worker. Ozzy even tried to clean cars until he ruined an exterior with a wire brush. Although Ozzy was fired from his job at a slaughterhouse, he managed to fulfill various exciting duties: pig stunner, cow killer, hoof puller, fat collector, and puke cleaner. Ozzy enjoyed plopping bovine eyes into girls’ Coca-Colas. Later on, Ozzy would throw raw meat into the audience for a lark. Tony Iommi recounted his bandmate’s gory exploits: “Like Ozzy hauling a shark through our window, dismembering it, and soaking the room in blood.”
Everyone knows that Ozzy bit the head off a bat that was thrown onstage believing it to be rubber. He has since capitalized on the incident, which he comically recreated in Adam Sandler’s Little Nicky (2000). Buy your plush bat with a removable head from Ozzy’s online store while supplies last. When Sharon wanted to make a good impression at a meeting with CBS, Ozzy pulled a similar stunt. He bit the head off a dove Sharon had given him. The bird’s head and feces landed on the PR lady. Ozzy threw the carcass across the table. Ozzy released the second dove. “Peace!” he said as security ushered him away. What does a dove taste like, Ozzy? “Cointreau.” Bats? “Like a good McDonald’s.” At least no animals were killed at Ozzy’s earlier meeting with CBS in Germany. Instead, Ozzy performed a Nazi strip tease and pissed in an executive’s wine.
Ozzy Osbourne is currently described as an animal lover. He especially loves dogs. Ozzy has referred to his late dog Baldrick, for whom he arranged a facelift, as his best friend. Ozzy and Sharon remain proud animal owners, despite Ozzy’s earlier habit of plying Sharon’s Yorkie Bubbles with booze. Robert Plant was no stranger to Bulrush Cottage, therefore when Ozzy accidentally texted him looking for his cat, the former cat-killer’s concern must have caught Plant by surprise.
When Sharon told Ozzy she was sending him to a luxurious facility where he would be taught to drink like a gentleman, Ozzy was initially enthusiastic about the idea of going to a “club.” Ozzy imagined that he would learn how to drink like “James Bond.” Ozzy got smashed on the plane to rehab in Palm Springs. He was wearing an Armani suit. His pockets were stuffed with drugs. Ozzy soon arrived the Betty Ford Center. Betty greeted him at the check-in. In all sincerity, Ozzy asked Betty Ford where he could find the bar.
Ozzy has had several other political and royal encounters. Ozzy would later appear drunk in front of George Bush at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on an invitation from Greta Van Susteren of Fox News. Ozzy signed autographs for excited politicians. During the speeches, Ozzy kept popping up like a whack-a-mole to enjoy his fame. Bush mumbled: “Okay, Ozzy… Might have been a mistake.” Bush didn’t come off any better than Ozzy when he accidentally pronounced Ozzy’s name “Oz-Burn.” In fact, George Bush had truly hit upon one of Ozzy’s many monikers. In school, classmates called him Oz-Brain.
Ozzy is a supporter of the royal family and loved Princess Diana, whose death he alleges to have foreseen. DNA tests show that he is related to Tsar Nicholas II and King George I. Ozzy has performed for the royal family many times and behaves himself for Queen Elizabeth. However, he was saddened that after one performance the Queen didn’t seem talkative. Tony Blair, on the other hand, rubbed Ozzy the wrong way when he told him he could never work out the chords to “Iron Man.” Ozzy disapproved of the prime minister’s small talk while his country was at war with Afghanistan. Ozzy has called Blair “a prick and a dickhead.” Tony Iommi, always a gentleman, recollects the encounter Osbourne-Blair differently: While I was talking to him [Tony Blair], Ozzy came over to ask me something and didn’t even acknowledge Blair. When I introduced them, Ozzy didn’t even say a word. After he’d gone I had to apologize: Sorry, Tony. Ozzy’s always like that.”
We love Ozzy but we do not approve of a prank that he played on his “personal dwarf,” John Allen Edward. While John was sleeping, Ozzy would place him on the top bunk on his tour bus, so that John went… “splat.” John would hang suspended by a noose at shows for dramatic effect. Allen was an actor and stood at 3’ 10’’. He toured with Ozzy’s Diary of a Madman and Speak of the Devil. Allen is also immortalized inside the gatefold of the Speak of the Devil (1982) album. Ozzy nicknamed Allen “Ronnie” after Ronnie James Dio. Seeking retaliation for Allen’s drunkenness, a roadie once threw Allen in the luggage compartment of the tour bus. Years later, Allen tragically committed suicide by an overdose at 49 in 1999.
Ozzy’s fascination with little people also manifested itself in “Fairies Wear Boots,” one of Black Sabbath’s greatest hits. This classic was written by Ozzy. There are different stories regarding how this song came about, but the correct version appears to be that Ozzy hallucinated this experience. Ozzy was supposed to play the Green Fairy in the Moulin Rouge! (2001) film starring Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor. In the end, not even Ozzy’s music made the cut. The Green Fairy, played by Kylie Minogue, merely let out one of Ozzy’s recorded screams.
4. From the USSR with love, tears, and Ozzy Osbourne!
Rock-star manager Doc McGhee founded the Make a Difference Foundation, an anti-drink and drug cause, after getting busted for smuggling 40,000 pounds of marijuana. This was his way of avoiding jail time through community service. Musicians jokingly referred to Doc’s charity as The Make A Different Drink Foundation. In 1989, Doc brought bands like Mötley Crüe, Bon Jovi, Cinderella, Scorpions, and Skid Row into the Soviet Union to play at the groundbreaking Moscow Music Peace Festival. Several of the musicians got wasted on cheap Russian vodka. Ozzy Osbourne was the festival’s greatest attraction. Sebastian Bach recalls how Ozzy received the Russian bikers, who had gathered outside of their hotel early in the morning to meet him. “Every Hells Angel contingent in the USSR had ridden their Harley-Davidsons from the farthest reaches of the Soviet Republic… Ozzy had no choice but to come down and greet them. Which made most of these badass Russian bikers cry like little girls seeing The Beatles… bursting into tears like infant children.” To this day, it’s a huge deal when Ozzy visits Russia.
Ozzy Osbourne introduced his stepson, Elliot Kingsley, to weed. Ozzy’s reasoning for preferring marijuana over tobacco is that you can’t smoke as many joints as you can cigarettes. “You smoke a big fat joint and you’re dead — you’re crashed.” Thank God this wellspring of common sense authored Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy: Advice from Rock’s Ultimate Survivor (2011). In all honesty, Ozzy has more self-possession than many people realize. Ozzy is hysterical and extremely professional at his concerts, even if Sharon sometimes had to force him to take the stage in his younger years.
Ozzy has five biological children: Jessica (whom Ozzy wanted to call Burt Reynolds) and Louis from his first marriage as well as Aimee, Kelly, and Jack from his second. Ozzy loves his children so much that whenever Jack would leave his teddy bear “Baby” behind, Ozzy and Sharon would send their private jet to retrieve it. Despite his demons, Ozzy seems to have taught children well. Like her mother, Kelly slams trolls and haters with fiercely witty comebacks. When Ozzy’s children heard two female passengers speaking negatively of their father, they stuffed the women’s coats with chicken bones, shrimp tails, and mashed potatoes. “Honor thy father.” Ozzy sent his kids to Christian school. Kelly has had success on shows like Fashion Police while Jack has teamed up with his father for Ozzy & Jack’s World Detour. You can currently watch Jack, Ozzy, and Sharon in The Osbournes Want to Believe. Both Aimee and Kelly are musicians. Louis is a DJ. Jessica is a writer, actress, and comedian. Elliot has also become an entertainer. Ozzy has supported his children in their various struggles. None of Ozzy’s kids appear to have been in trouble with the law. Granted, papers jumped down Jack Osbourne’s throat after he punched his ex’s boyfriend. That seems a bit unfair given that kids were involved, and no one knows the context. A piece of trivia: Jack’s ex-wife has appeared in Green Day’s “Last of the American Girls” and “21 Guns.”
Zakk Wylde remembers an occasion when Ozzy asked him to pass a single beer from his duffle bag under a bathroom stall. As mentioned, Ozzy has struggled with his sobriety. Ozzy has also been known to pull one over on Sharon, whether it’s with a couple of beers or a pair of household nannies in bed. The Zakk Wylde story seems especially weird when considering Ozzy’s immense power and reputation as a titanium-livered partier. Shouldn’t Ozzy be able to do anything?! Ozzy and Zakk once threw a $38,000 television from a hotel window after all.
Scientists have credited a genetic mutation with Ozzy’s ability to ingest superhuman quantities of harmful substances. At one time, Ozzy claimed that the American government was supplying Black Sabbath with drugs through a preppy assistant, who claimed to work for the FDA. Ozzy was such a champion coke snorter that he allegedly beat David Lee Roth in a contest. On one especially funny moment from The Osbourne’s a disoriented Ozzy declares that someone has stolen the beers from his room. Sharon responds: “Who’s the beer thief? You.”
In all truth, Ozzy’s drunken misdeeds are not always cool. Ozzy’s substance use had led to embarrassing incidents, such as when he greeted The Beach Boys’ founder Brian Wilson: “Hello, Brian, you fucking arsehold, I’m glad to hear your brother’s dead.” As evidenced by an appearance by Sharon on the Michael McIntyre’s The Big Show, the Wilson and Osbourne families appear to have reconciled and become close. After all, Brian Wilson is a “nutter” just like Ozzy to use the latter’s own words. A recent Ozzy and Beach Boys mash-up has brought the two musicians to a point that may be deemed too close. Because Ozzy often forgot his drug and alcohol-fueled incidents, Sharon Osbourne went so far as to film Ozzy terrorizing everyone like Godzilla at one of Kelly’s birthday parties to drive the point home. Even the clown had a bloody nose. Ozzy has even paraded onstage in Sharon’s dress, lipstick, and a sun bonnet. The insanely talented Jake E. Lee recalls how Ozzy put his heeled foot down and stopped singing during that show. Who else but Ozzy could be thrown out of Dachau concentration camp during a tour for disruptive behavior?!
Ozzy has received his driver’s license, but Sharon sold his cars after discovering that he had been driving drunk. Health drinks simply don’t cut it for Ozzy. The Prince of Darkness can be seen responding to a muddy orange concoction handed to him by Olivia Newton-John on The Graham Norton Show with the exclamation “bollocks!” Ozzy has stated: “I’ve made so many statements about being sober, and one I can really say is… sobriety fucking sucks!” Nevertheless, Ozzy admirably bites the bullet of sobriety as a necessary evil.
7. Randy Rhoads’ bombshell confession to Ozzy: “I don’t think I want to be a rock ’n’ roller anymore.”
Only a few hours before his death, 25-year-old guitar virtuoso Randy Rhoads discussed quitting rock to attend college. Ozzy thought Randy was crazy. Ozzy’s band was travelling through America in promotion of Diary of a Madman (1982). Sharon had brought her live-in assistant Rachel Youngblood, a 58-year-old American woman. On the road, Rachel acted as the band’s cook, hairdresser, seamstress, and makeup artist. Rachel had decided that this . She hoped to use her Diary of a Madman earnings to buy an electric typewriter for her church.
On March 19, 1982, the band’s bus driver, Andrew Aycock, convinced Rachel and Randy to board a plane with him for a joy ride while others slept. Randy and Rachel didn’t know that Aycock had previously been implicated in a fatal helicopter crash. Randy and Rachel were both afraid of flying and normally tended towards caution. Although Randy’s Christ-like reputation has been challenged with light tales of shenanigans, Ozzy Osbourne describes him as a near teetotaler and stoic. Randy was high-minded, serious, and refined. Rachel and Randy can be seen embracing outside of the bus — Rachel in a pilot’s hat, Randy in a straw sun hat — right before Aycock drove all three of them to their deaths. High on cocaine, Aycock swooped down to the tour bus two or three times before tearing its roof off. Aycock’s divorcing wife was standing right by the bus. The plane crashed into trees and then the garage of a nearby home at “Flying Baron Estates” in Leesburg, Florida.
Randy will be remembered as one of the greatest guitarists of all time, even if he and Ozzy had been a bit of an odd couple. Ozzy once interrupted a classical lesson between Randy and his tutor while wearing only his underwear. “What was that you just played?” “Mozart.” Randy’s mother owned a music store, where Randy had taught guitar lessons. Randy stated in an interview: “The main thing I’m going through right now is figuring out how to get back to being a musician, more than being in a popular band. I just want to get back to being a player and get away from the distractions of success.”
“The only black magic Sabbath ever got into was a box of chocolates.” Ozzy has also joked: “Look, mate, the only evil spirits I’m interested in are called whisky, vodka, and gin.” Ozzy is not a fan of organized religion. Therefore, Satanism, believe it or not, is not his cup of Irish coffee. Satanists have always been a thorn in the side of Black Sabbath. During one concert in Memphis, a roadie knocked out a Satanist, who had taken the stage. The man, dressed in a black hood, was holding a dagger in his hand. Imagine the world of music if Ozzy Osbourne had died young?! That would truly be a Satanic nightmare. When the Black Sabbath members returned to their motel, they were plagued by even more Satanists. One day, the band decided to take initiative against a crowd of Satanists, who were waiting outside of their rooms. They synchronized their watches, jumped out in unison, sang “Happy Birthday,” and blew out the Satanists’ candles.
As a teenager, Ozzy turned to burglary. Not knowing how to pull off a robbery, Ozzy accidentally shimmied away with worthless items like children’s clothes. Ozzy robbed like a stooge and left fingerprints all over a crime scene when he wore a glove without a thumb. He was sentenced to jail at 17. Ozzy was released from jail early for good behavior. Ozzy survived jail by assuming the role of a clown. Ozzy had already perfected this persona in school. The evidence: “He was the school clown!” Tony Iommi tried to storm off after showing up at Ozzy’s door in response to an advertisement “Ozzy Zig Needs Gig.” In jail, Ozzy acquired the habit of getting tattoos. A fellow inmate used a sewing needle as one of his inking tools. Ozzy’s funniest tattoo is probably the “thank you” on his hand. Sharon brought Ozzy to a doctor to see if it could be removed. At the end of the visit, Ozzy simply held up his hand to the doctor in appreciation. Ozzy gave back when he played to inmates inside of a jail. He was treated to tea by a man who had murdered 8 people. Similarly, Black Sabbath once played a Christmas concert that was turned into an outing for a local mental hospital. The band had not been told. A riot ensued. Ozzy has spent time in mental hospitals as well. After rising to wealth and fame, Ozzy caught a burglar in his own bathroom. Naked, Ozzy placed the man in a chokehold, quite charitably dropped him out the window. He escaped. Insurance covered the cost of the stolen jewelry.
All fans know that Ozzy Osbourne has pissed on the Alamo while wearing Sharon’s evening dress. Some fans even know that Ozzy pissed on the tires of a police car after waking up in the middle of the highway. What most people don’t know is that Ozzy came within a pin’s point of pissing on his father-in-law and one-time manager Don Arden. When Don came downstairs and caught Ozzy pissing in his sink, Ozzy whipped around. Unfortunately, Ozzy lost his grip on his willy. Whiz! Don’s Beverley Hills home had been owned by Howard Hughes. His lavish walls were not meant for golden showers.
Don created a host of vulgar names for Ozzy. Can you blame him?! On one occasion, Ozzy ended up in jail after trying to strangle Don’s daughter: “We’ve come to a decision that you’ve got to die.” Poor Sharon. On another instance, Ozzy threw a vodka bottle at his wife. Like husband, like wife: a wrathful Sharon almost ran over Don outside of a shopping center in Los Angeles. Don, nonetheless, was not a completely innocent bystander. The man was so brutal as to stub out cigars on people’s foreheads. The Osbourne clan has faced other accusations of murder. Controversy erupted after an American nurse killed her while playing Black Sabbath’s Paranoid (1970). When another fan killed himself, the family blamed it on Ozzy’s “Suicide Solution” from Blizzard of Ozz (1980). The reality is that Ozzy simply wants his fans to “enjoy life” as “Paranoid’s” lyrics state.
No matter the extent of the real and imaginary havoc that the Osbournes have enacted on American soil, they love the USA. Ozzy and Sharon married on 4 July 1982. Ozzy is a New York pizza freak. His blind enthusiasm prompted him to make a pizza pie for his first wife using beans, sardines, and olives. Now that’s passion. “I want to be an American. America is the coolest place on the face of the earth. You’ve got freedom of speech. You’ve got McDonald’s.” America has even blessed Ozzy the tribute band Mac Sabbath complete with a cat burglar just like him.
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