Donald Trump (DT) to Edgar Chagwa Lungu (ECL): Edgar, you in Zambia like using initials eh, ECL, HH, KK, FTJ, RB etc. What is up with that? Here it is rare. Only after Kennedy was shot did he become JFK. Can you imagine Bill Clinton being referred to as BC? That is a biblical reference isn’t it? But ECL that is not what I am calling about. I am calling to offer my condolences about just what happened to you. I just went through it myself. I got shellacked just like you in the last elections. Shellacked as a word was first used by Obama. I can’t stand Obama just like you can’t stand HH my dear friend ECL. So I refrain from using an Obama term. I will use the word walloped. It is truly painful to be walloped. I hear Hillary is still shell-$hocked from my walloping her. ECL for me it feels like it is merely a bad dream from which I will wake up and find reality different. But it is not. It is reality and shocking because I didn’t expect to lose by seven million votes walloping by Sleepy Joe. I lost to Sleepy Joe. I won.
You ECL, lost to what do they call those ostracized and sidelined people from certain parts of Zambia, yes you lost to a Tonga Bull, I’m being reminded. Didn’t you say on the very day of the election that a Tonga will one day become a President but not the current candidate? That is what I used to say about Sleepy Joe.
Listen ECL, like me you thought you could win the election by turning it into identifiable sectarianism, me into a racial contest where I would garner white votes and you would secure tribal votes against the Tongas and other named tribes. You unleashed, I understand, a certain Kambwili to spout tribalism, and like me it backfired, ECL. Let’s be serious, there is a lesson to be learned even from negativity. Our respective countries are moving more towards racial and tribal cohesion. We had done it all in order to win an election and continue being in power. It didn’t work.
ECL do you know that you and I have a lot in common? Of course, we have our great differences, for example, I went to the great Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania and you didn’t but I don’t remember what I did there exactly other than chasing women. How did I pass? Can’t remember but it is on my transcript though the record is sealed. All my records are sealed except this stupid Supreme Court some of whose judges I appointed ordered the disclosure of my tax returns of several years.
ECL you were lucky that the judges you appointed never abandoned you to the end. The ones I appointed decided to turn around and exercise their so called judicial independence and autonomy. Have you ever heard of such crap? Judicial independence and autonomy! Give me a break! The problem in the US is that people do actually take that crap seriously. Even judges. Don’t fall for it in Zambia
Now ECL I was talking about our similarities. You and I pardoned heavy duty criminals. You pardoned murderers and tribalists while I pardoned deep, deep corrupt friends and associates of mine. We are who we pardoned. We are a reflection of who we pardoned. Look you pardoned someone who made you lose an election because he was spewing tribalism and you had bought him a helicopter to do this. ECL are you mad and tone deaf? You pardon a Tribalist who made you partly lose an election! Are you a Tribalist ECL? It is good you retired from politics. You buried yourself with that tribal nonsense. Now this Tribalist who caused you to lose an election, wasn’t he recently exposed conniving with the bank to embezzle 30 million dollars through the issuing of bonds? I listened to that tape the way it ended smells fishy. Something went down there.
But coming to the US. Racism is fine. It is in the DNA of the US. It is historically embedded. As for me, ECL, I pardoned corrupt people because that is me. I take advantage of the law. Taxation Law is for the Rich in capital letters. It aids corruption for the Rich. Everything I did with my taxes is in the law. I took advantage of the loopholes. Can you succeed in business without the aid of banking and taxation laws, without insolvent laws, without insurance laws? We are hard on the poor yet we are aided by how banking, taxation, insurance, insolvency, procurement and other laws are structured. Our crimes are legally facilitated ECL. Look at the acquittal rates in your corruption cases. Your people were all acquitted. Then you go and pardon murderers. If I did that ECL there would have been a revolution in America. Your regime killed a few people, didn’t it? So it is understandable you pardoned murderers. We pardon who we are. And it is what it is. Cheer up man. It is not the end of the world. Depressing but life goes on, enjoy your wealth while it lasts.
It is great you didn’t appeal your election loss. You see what the judges that I had appointed did to me after I lost the election? They all voted against me to overturn the elections in all the states. There is a guy called the Village Author whose articles I read who said that “you lose the vote you lose the court”. That court of yours that you appointed would have turned against you post-election.
ECL are you there? You and I didn’t recognise where the lies and truths began or ended and vice versa. People saw through the fog and they voted as out. Now there is a difference. I had a vision of how to run America, you didn’t. I governed through Twitter and lots of press conferences and an effective DT congress. You governed through cadres, no press conferences except at airports and you had no Twitter account and no effective Parliament. ECL how could you lose Bill 10? You would still be President. Then you got another shot at the Presidency through the ConCourt decision allowing you an illegal third term. But the Court of Public Opinion shellacked you, not Obama again! ECL Obama is always in my mind as HH will always be in your mind. You see I couldn’t get rid of Obamacare through congress and that still pains me. And a similarity is found here. HH is the Obama of Zambia. Brilliant, agile, confident, and self-made and with loyal followers.
ECL are you still there? I am the one who called you so I will talk. When you call me ECL, you will talk all you want. Do you have a powerful phone?
ECL I have loyal followers and you don’t. My followers stormed Congress to stop the legitimation of Sleepy Joe and they are still eating out of my hands. I raised more money after losing power than I did while in power and the Republican Party is holding together thinking I will run in 2024. On the other hand you have been abandoned immediately after losing power. Did you really have any loyal supporters ECL? Your cadres have scampered. Your former ministers and cohorts are resigning or are silent. Your cadres never attempted to prevent the ascendence of HH. Your party, the PF, it appears is dead. I have charisma. You don’t. ECL how did you ascend to power? And how exactly did you manage to repress Zambians for 7 years? People are like waking up to a bad dream. On my part the great Republican Party will continue.
I can’t resist asking you ECL where that woman Pamela Gondwe is; I am told she ran away with suitcases of your campaign funds so that at the end you were practically limping without funds to pay cadres and some rigging projects. In America, Pamela Gondwe would be the stuff of movies. You know how Americans are: you are either a mystical villain or hero. She would be turned into a folklore hero. If you meet her, tell her that DT of America wants to meet her.
ECL let me ask you this because you may have to answer to it if any Commission of Inquiry to Restore Looted Property under your regime is convoked. I hear Zambians want an Inquiry, what is your networth now as opposed to when you became president? I understand you jumped from 1 million Kwacha to 23 million Kwacha in one year after assuming the Presidency. They don’t teach what you did at Wharton or Harvard Business School nor at Oxford. Do you want to come and teach at Wharton School of Business? I can facilitate that. I contributed a lot of money to that institution. It got more interesting. You are now rumoured to be one of the richest presidents in Africa. The president’s salary even in the US or anywhere in the world can’t get you to that. Look at Obama. He got paid 60 million dollars for his book and all his money is traceable. My money is traceable as I used legal banking and taxation laws to borrow and invest.
What you have now, where did it come from? I hear even your family has gotten rich, some having acquired forests, old bank buildings, apartments etc. Do you own a golf course ECL! Get a good number of accountants and lawyers and start working in case the Commission is established. I never knew I would need lawyers as I needed bankers as company. Obama told me at the outset that I would need more lawyers at the end of my presidency than I would need bankers and he was so right. The irony is that he never needed any lawyers himself because he was suspected of no crimes. Instead he now needs bankers to bank his legitimately earned monies from book deals and speaking engagements while you and I need lawyers and bankruptcy laws and not bankers. But heck ECL we had a ride of a lifetime while it lasted. We were both improbable accidental Presidents and our story continues and would become more interesting and sellable if we both become criminal ex-presidents though I had a lot of money in the business world before I became president and you didn’t and I have kept my loyal friends and the Republican Party while you haven’t. Our stories ECL will be told as capsules and teachable moments in the history of our countries. Take heart it is a great contribution.
Dr. Munyonzwe Hamalengwa’s latest book is “Commentaries on the Laws of Zambia”
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