Basement dwellers live lavishly
Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
When I first got my housing assignment in the summer, I didn’t quite understand what the zeros before my room number meant. It then dawned on me that I was going to be living in the basement of my building. My immediate thought was that I’d be living in a prison cell, shacked up with some random roommate — this turned out to be essentially true.
Surprisingly, there are some positives to basement living. Whether coming back from a long day of classes or stumbling back from a night out, the last thing someone wants is to have to load onto a packed elevator or hike up multiple flights of stairs. But when you live in the basement, there is only one very short flight down to your room; it’s the perfect spot for lazy students.
The benefits don’t stop there. The low window in my room makes for a great view outside; I frequently gaze out my window and watch students take 15 minutes to parallel park. Seeing as the basement is home to the laundry machines, it makes hauling dirty clothes a lot simpler. These aspects certainly make up for the social isolation I’ve experienced from being a basement resident.
Living in the basement is also perfect for studious students. We basically have a 24-hour quiet floor, which allows us to get tons of work done on the weekends. Who doesn’t love that? The isolated nature of the ground floor should result in perfect grades for every resident.
While all my friends have close-knit relationships on the second and third floors of my building, I’m left downstairs with a strong scent of mildew surrounding the desolate air. The lack of socialization creates some reservations against my floor. Whenever I tell someone I live on the basement floor, they immediately follow up with the phrase “that must suck,” or “I feel bad for you.” Some of my friends even changed my name in their phones to “Julia Basement.” Essentially, I have created an entire personality just from living in the basement.
Recently, the Emerson Residential Hall basement experienced a flood, which only tainted the reputation even more. The first-floor bathrooms exploded into our rooms, sullying the carpets and hallways with contents from the toilets.
On the bright side, we got brand new carpets just because of the flood! The basement needed remodeling anyway, so it ended up being the best thing that could’ve happened for us basement dwellers. The smell of the flood is something I will never forget — the unique fragrance really made my friends want to hang out in my room even more.
Not only did we get an incredible remodeling, but the basement also came with free pets —cockroaches! The day I moved in, there was a little roach waiting for me in my room, which I named Fred. Unfortunately, he was ultimately murdered by a can of Raid. Often, his family members pop up in the hallway and give me red eyes of fiery rage due to the fact I killed off their son.
One final great aspect of living in the basement is being able to be seen by every single person outside. Since it’s gotten warmer, people often hang out on the grass outside my window. It really makes it easier to make friends, especially while changing clothes! They can clearly see into my room, which makes for great opportunities to accidentally get seen naked. Clearly, the basement’s desolate and dreary nature make it the best place to live here at the University of Massachusetts.
Julia Bragg can be reached at [email protected]