I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I saw the video of Kid Rock using an assault rifle to blow apart a case of Bud Light. (If you just thought to yourself, “What’s a Kid Rock?” advance 10 spaces and collect my undying admiration.)
A quick explanation: Kid Rock is a multi-genre singer-songwriter who pitches hissy fits about anything “woke” and noisily defends all things MAGA. Which is, of course, his right. I know I should’ve been fomenting hate for people who have never done anything to personally hurt me while watching Kid shooting those perfectly innocent beer bottles but all I could think of was that scene in “The Jerk” where the psycho shoots at Steve Martin’s character hiding behind stacks of oil cans. Marvels Martin: “He hates cans!!”
Oh, if only Kid Rock just hated bottles instead of humanity. He and his buddy Travis Tritt, a hugely popular country singer, have lost their minds over a brief promotional partnership between Anheuser Busch and transgender activist and TikTok star Dylan Mulvaney.
In fact, Tritt is so riled by Bud Light being promoted by Mulvaney (looking fetching as Audrey Hepburn) he fired off an angry tweet announcing from now on he will delete “all Anheuser Busch products from my tour hospitality rider!”
Oh, no!!! Surely not a deletion from the tour hospitality rider! And they say the real patriots are dead. It had the feel of “who’s with me?” which means somebody’s going to have to tell Tritt 332 million Americans don’t actually have hospitality riders. Rich people problems, am I right?
Of course, the real problem is when this dreck travels downstream. Cue lots of videos on social media of regular folks with zero hospitality riders contemptuously dumping their Bud Light into the trash. One in particular showed a guy slowly and dramatically removing the Bud Light from his garage fridge, dumping it into his outdoor trash can and replacing it with a case of Coor’s Light. Honestly, I’ve seen Greta Gerwig movies that weren’t as long.
The most alarming thing was the sheer number of Bud Lights in his fridge. Get some help, dude.
Plot twist: The proud hefting of the case of Coors into the cavernous hole left by the banished Bud Lights turned out to be profoundly silly. After Kid Rock, in full rage mode, urged his fans to give up Bud and buy Coors, he learned Coors had supported LGBTQ rights and same-sex marriage since he was, well, just a pebble.
I’m Michael Jackson eatin’ popcorn levels of excited waiting for the sequel to garage beer guy’s sad film noir. Now he’s gotta haul all that Coors to the trashcan. And, no, of course he doesn’t recycle because errybody knows that’ll make you sterile. Duh.
Kid Rock followed up his now famous Assault on Innocent Beer Bottles with a promotion of his own, touting the taste of a particular alcoholic selzer. Did he look like the world’s homeliest sorority girl? Yes. Yes, he did. But even cozying up to the selzer didn’t work out. Turns out the brand was endorsed by everyone’s favorite trans Olympian Caitlyn Jenner! So Kid Rock had to boycott yet ANOTHER alcoholic beverage. What to do?
For sure, Tennessee’s Jack Daniels whisky, the fiery preference of hulky American males, will save the day.
Wait. What? Turns out Travis Tritt, a big fan of Jack Daniels, just learned about the Jack Daniels Presents Drag Queen Summer Glamp! Featuring RuPaul!! Seriously, what is happening to this country? Did someone just say the Marlboro man’s pronouns are “them” and “they”?
At the end of the day, these country music stars need a sit-down with the heart and soul of their genre, Miss Dolly Parton. “Love is love,” she will remind them. And beer? Well, it’s just beer. Build a bridge and get over it.
This column was originally published in NC Newsline.