Politixia
DEAR MISS MANNERS: From an etiquette perspective, am I required to engage with men I don’t know who attempt to talk to me?
My husband and I moved to a busy touristy area, and we can’t walk down the sidewalk without men trying to shove menus into our hands and wave us into their restaurants. Or vendors will call out, “Hello, my friends!” to get us into their shops. Other times, it’s not obvious why they are attempting to talk to us, but I assume they want something.
My instincts are to completely ignore them and not even make eye contact. That goes for a street vendor, a catcalling construction worker, a commuter attempting to chat me up on the train, or a guy on the street saying, “You have such a pretty face, why aren’t you smiling?”
I don’t know them, don’t want to know them, and don’t wish to buy anything from/date/make friends with them.
In my experience, once you react to them in any way, they will take that as an “in” and keep following or shouting at you.
My husband, however, will usually respond politely to them. He says I’m being “unfriendly.” I say I am under no obligation to be friendly with strangers who clearly want something from me that I don’t want to give.
My husband has never had to deal with catcalling, and as a visibly strong guy, people will usually leave him alone if he keeps walking. But as a woman, I don’t feel that sense of invulnerability. I feel safer just ignoring them, even when I’m with my husband.
Am I being unfriendly? What, according to etiquette, are my obligations?
GENTLE READER: Whether it is friendly is, Miss Manners agrees, not the right question.
From your description, you are taking reasonable steps to avoid being taken advantage of — which is both understandable and, unlike the catcallers and harassers, within the dictates of good etiquette. It would be friendly of your husband to support you in this.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Perhaps you can explain to me one of the great mysteries of the modern age: Why are DJs (or live bands) allowed to hijack wedding receptions to the point that no conversations can be had while dining?
My husband and I attended yet another wedding where the meal was accompanied by music so loud that you could only be heard by shouting into the ear of the person next to you. This, of course, meant that there was no conversation with anyone across the table, or even two seats away.
Why can’t the DJs wait until after the wedding feast before ensuring the crowd will be — literally and figuratively — blown away by the music?
GENTLE READER: Why the performers want to drown out any competition interests Miss Manners less than why the hosts allow it.
No matter how many specialists a host employs — DJs, wedding planners, dressmakers, caterers, etc. — and no matter how insistent such advisers are in having their own way, the responsibility for treating one’s guests decently still lies with the host, who should speak with the band.
Unless the idea is to cover for people not knowing how to make conversation.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
