NEW YORK—Describing the astronomical objects as a blemish on the otherwise pristine night sky, the world’s wealthy called Monday for the removal of stars obstructing their view of the universe. “As affluent taxpayers of Earth, we demand that our space agencies immediately remove the unsightly stars blocking our view of the cosmos,” said Royce Wakefield III, echoing the sentiments of thousands of other monied elites who explained that the light pollution emitted from the celestial bodies was distracting and made the heavens look cheap. “How am I supposed to enjoy the black expanse of nothingness with all these constellations in the way? I didn’t spend $10 million on an estate out in the country with a skylight to just gaze up at some ugly stars.” At press time, the wealthy world residents were relieved that Earth’s property value would remain strong after NASA acquiesced and collapsed every star in the universe.
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