Politixia
Dear Amy: I am very close with my first cousin “Landon.”
Landon is a robust and healthy older man. Unbeknownst to him, we are not actually cousins, in fact, we’re not related at all.
Years ago, I asked Landon to submit a DNA sample with the results coming to me, the family historian. That sample revealed that his mother’s husband was not Landon’s biological father. I should note that Landon always had a strained relationship with his “father,” and I remember him as a difficult man.
I’m an amateur genealogist and have been able to identify his biological father and relatives. Those still living are a short drive from Landon’s house.
Even though he is quite proud of our family history (there’s nothing notable about our tree), he’s paid no attention to the DNA results, assuming they only prove what he’s long believed to be true.
I’ve gone to great lengths to protect his privacy while using public databases to research his biological family. But Landon’s children or grandchildren could test their DNA any time, revealing this reality.
I would then have to confess I’ve known the truth for years.
I love my cousin very much and don’t want to hurt him or damage our friendship.
Should I tell Landon about his parentage while I still can?
– Burden of Truth
Dear Burden of Truth: You imply that your cousin has avoided access to his DNA information because he assumes it merely proves that he is biologically related to your family.
But maybe he has avoided it because … he suspects his DNA heritage takes him outside of your family, and he simply doesn’t want to confront that. That’s a valid choice, and it’s one he has the right to make.
You might say to him, “As you know, I’ve studied the family DNA and genealogy. I have access to your information and your unique story, and if you want to learn about it, I can share it with you.”
After that, he can ponder his options and let you know.
If DNA relatives (or family relatives) discover the truth about his parentage and independently contact him, he would understand that you’ve offered this information to him.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
