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Signs You Are A Beta Male

Signs You Are A Beta Male
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While there are obvious red flags such as being a man who is weak, inadequate, or a good listener, The Onion provides a helpful guide to signs that you probably are a beta male.

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Under 1’3″

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This height actually might suggest you are a dormouse.

Inability To Sustain Erection For Longer Than 97 Years

Inability To Sustain Erection For Longer Than 97 Years

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Alpha males stay hard long after their body has started moldering.

Shopping For Food At A Grocery Store

Shopping For Food At A Grocery Store

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Alphas hunt or fuck their way to a meal.

Lack Of Vestigial Tail

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Alphas are able to whip their opponents across the face, thus assuring sexual dominance.

Cannot Do A Somersault For Mommy

Cannot Do A Somersault For Mommy

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You would have impressed Mommy so much, but instead you fucking ruined her day, you cuck piece of shit.

Your Penis Is 12 Inches Long

Your Penis Is 12 Inches Long

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While alphas have penises that are so long they touch the floor, betas have micropenises that can be as small as 12 inches flaccid.

You Are A Human Being, Cursed With Knowing That You Are Imperfect And Understanding That You Could Be So Much More

You Are A Human Being, Cursed With Knowing That You Are Imperfect And Understanding That You Could Be So Much More

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Unfortunately, perceiving the simultaneous splendid grace and humiliation of just being alive suggests you’re nothing more than a lowly beta.

Enjoyed ‘Banshees Of Inisherin,’ But Didn’t Really ‘Get’ It

Enjoyed ‘Banshees Of Inisherin,’ But Didn’t Really ‘Get’ It

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The fact that you think you need to “get” something about Martin McDonagh’s tragicomic writing in order to appreciate his work suggests you’re an effete half-man.

You Ask For Consent Before Taking Every Bite Of A Hamburger

You Ask For Consent Before Taking Every Bite Of A Hamburger

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Alphas don’t even wait for the animal to die before sinking their teeth in.

Feet Don’t Twist Off And Detach

Feet Don’t Twist Off And Detach

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Should be springs under there that you have to replace every two years.

Pink, Rotund, And Able To Inhale Enemies To Save Planet Popstar

Pink, Rotund, And Able To Inhale Enemies To Save Planet Popstar

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If this is you, just give up. You’re never going to find a date.

You Are No Muss No Fuss

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Alphas make a substantial amount of both muss and fuss.

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Only Having One Penis

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You Have Never Run With A Calf Upon Your Shoulders Every Day Until It Became A Full-Grown Ox, After Which You Butchered And Ate It In The Center Of The Olympic Stadium

You Have Never Run With A Calf Upon Your Shoulders Every Day Until It Became A Full-Grown Ox, After Which You Butchered And Ate It In The Center Of The Olympic Stadium

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Milo of Croton would like a word.

You Own Pajamas

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Alpha males work, live, and sleep in finely tailored suits.

Criminal Background Check Reveals A Clean Record

Criminal Background Check Reveals A Clean Record

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There Are Barely Any Women Dangling From Your Large Biceps

There Are Barely Any Women Dangling From Your Large Biceps

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An alpha would never step into public with fewer than 20.

You Are Evan Davis Of 2269 Oak Ridge Drive, Seattle, Washington 98108

You Are Evan Davis Of 2269 Oak Ridge Drive, Seattle, Washington 98108

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You are worse than beta. You are scum.

You Aren’t Currently Penetrating Anything

You Aren’t Currently Penetrating Anything

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You’re Still An Editorial Assistant After More Than 4 Years Toiling Away At ‘Dazzle’ Magazine

You’re Still An Editorial Assistant After More Than 4 Years Toiling Away At ‘Dazzle’ Magazine

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An alpha male would have landed your dream gig of senior fashion editor years ago. Guess you’re not cut out for this business after all.

Veins Do Not Bulge Out From Your Bald Head

Veins Do Not Bulge Out From Your Bald Head

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Worse yet, you cover them in dainty hairs.

You Ejaculate Without Impregnating Anything

You Ejaculate Without Impregnating Anything

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Physiologically, the seed of a true alpha male could impregnate a pillow.

Bards Don’t Write Ballads Lauding Your Tremendous Physical Strength

Bards Don’t Write Ballads Lauding Your Tremendous Physical Strength

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Any alpha male knows that by the time you’re 30, there should be a whole band of lute players following you from town to town in order to record your feats.

Stepping Out Of The Shower Onto A Roller Skate That Propels You Toward The Stairs And Bounces Down Each Step Before You Head Straight Out The Door With Nothing But A Towel On

Stepping Out Of The Shower Onto A Roller Skate That Propels You Toward The Stairs And Bounces Down Each Step Before You Head Straight Out The Door With Nothing But A Towel On

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An alpha would never conceal his manhood with a towel.

Have Been Stuck In A Well For 20 Years

Have Been Stuck In A Well For 20 Years

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No matter how much betas scream and scream, they will never emerge from the well.

You Do Not Mate With The Other Elephants

You Do Not Mate With The Other Elephants

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Oof, nothing says “solitary non-breeding male” more than failing to produce any calves.

Harem Keeps Making Excuses Why They Can’t Hang Out Tonight

Harem Keeps Making Excuses Why They Can’t Hang Out Tonight

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Is your harem really holding a concubines-only movie marathon night, or are you just low T?

Eating With Your Mouth

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If you don’t know, you don’t know. It’s not something we can teach.

Birds Do Not Fear You

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They’re very perceptive to the varying degrees of manliness.



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