The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With JoJo Siwa

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With JoJo Siwa


JoJo Siwa, a singer, dancer, and social media personality who rose to fame for her kid-focused music and partnership with Nickelodeon, has recently tried to break away from her family-friendly past and debut a more adult persona now that she is 21. But there have been growing pains associated with her new “bad girl” image, with mixed reactions from her fan base. The Onion sat down with Siwa to discuss what she wants out of this next chapter of her career.


The Onion: So, like, what is your actual deal?
JoJo Siwa: My representatives were promised that question would not be asked during this interview, so move on.
The Onion: What inspired your new image?
Siwa: I wanted a more adult look, so I just thought, “What do grown-ups look like?” and then hit the mark exactly.
The Onion: What are you planning for your next album?
Siwa: Swear words.
The Onion: Now that you’ve changed your look, what did you do with all your bows?
Siwa: I donated them to science.
The Onion: How else are you embracing your new bad-girl persona?
Siwa: Last week, I murdered a hitchhiker.
The Onion: You claimed to have invented gay pop. Is that true?
Siwa: No. What I meant to say is that I invented jazz.
The Onion: Is that your real name?
Siwa: No, it was phonetically designed for the mouths of babies.
The Onion: Will you still make kid-friendly music?
Siwa: We need to see how lucrative this turns out to be.
The Onion: To what extent do you consider the Meiji Restoration a watershed moment in the history of Japanese fiscal policy?
Siwa: The restoration’s importance is probably overstated. Many scholars point to the end of the Tokugawa shogunate’s daimyo system as the genesis of the empire’s centralized taxation, but this overlooks the gradual decline of the feudal system and rise of modern industrialization that occurred in the century prior.
The Onion: Our niece is a huge fan. Would you sign this poster for her?
Siwa: My signature is currently intellectual property of Paramount Global, and as such, I cannot use it without incurring legal and financial consequences.
The Onion: Who are some of your musical influences?
Siwa: I really admire Taylor Swift for how much money she’s made.
The Onion: How do you respond to those who criticized you for saying you invented gay pop?
Siwa: I am the inventor of all gay culture, from the Stonewall riots to the ancient Greeks to Sodom and Gomorrah. I am the queer originator. The eternal source of gayness. I was gay before civilization emerged, and I will be gay long after it perishes.
The Onion: How would you describe your musical genre?
Siwa: Profitable.
The Onion: What project are you most looking forward to?
Siwa: Full development of my prefrontal cortex.
The Onion: Is it true you have a foolproof plan to end the war in Gaza?
Siwa: Yes.
The Onion: What’s next for you?
Siwa: A somewhat predictable return to lighter makeup and bright colors after recovering from my “bad girl” phase.

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Written by Politixia


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