Politixia
BRISTOL, CT—Claiming he was now convinced he had wasted his life covering “a little boy sport,” longtime ESPN analyst Tim Kurkjian announced Wednesday that he was quitting Baseball Tonight after discovering mixed martial arts. “They can hit each other, they can kick each other, they can break each other’s arms—it’s incredible. You can’t do any of that in baseball,” said Kurkjian, explaining that after spending the past several days watching UFC highlights, he had come to appreciate the simplicity of “just two guys in shorts whaling on each other,” which he argued was far more exciting than “like, 20 different guys standing around in dirt” and wearing “all kinds of stupid gloves and helmets and shirts” covered with “nonsense words” such as Mets and White Sox. “And MMA fights only last a few minutes instead of a million hours like a baseball game, so you don’t have to piss away your whole day to watch it. Plus, when you win, you get a big awesome belt. Baseball players have belts, too, but they’re small and boring. Yeah, baseball fucking sucks. MMA is better in every single way.” At press time, Kurkjian was reportedly demonstrating his newfound love of MMA by putting Buster Olney in a rear-naked choke until the MLB insider went limp.
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