Politixia
After transferring to UNC, I met one of my bestest friends. He may be a little bit nonchalant and flaky, but I’m not complaining. He sticks around at least. He’s there for me when I am in crisis — even if it’s several hours later.
He’s a campus celebrity even more famous than Caleb Wilson, friends with about 30,000 UNC students. That friend, our friend, is Alert Carolina.
You might be thinking, “Wow, that sounds like a toxic friendship,” or perhaps, “Yeah, I know it’s an inefficient system.” But no, dear reader, you don’t understand why I need to keep him in my life, he keeps me safe — well, safe enough — in a strange new place.
He does what he can, at least. We must have some consideration for the impassable, impenetrable, magical wall that protects the student body from any and all perils. What wall you may ask? The sidewalk separating Franklin Street from UNC’s campus. Alert Carolina respects its sanctity, which segregates us, chosen Tar Heels, from the masses of Chapel Hill and Carrboro.
By Alert’s logic, the danger it can respond to will remain geofenced. Someone doing horrific things at the Raising Cane’s on Franklin? That’s town business, Alert Carolina says. The perpetrator, presumably, will see UNC stenciled on the brick walls of Abernethy Hall, realize they don’t have a One Card and simply turn around.
What’s more, an actual tree fell last semester, cutting off power and limiting road access for hundreds of students. In respectable university fashion, Alert Carolina looked at it and shrugged. That’s definitely not something students or faculty need information on, much less a safety hazard.
To this day, he still hasn’t changed. “Condition 1 — come to class,” he whispered into our phones after a historic snowstorm last month, luring thousands of students into braving the icy conditions. A few hundred tumbles and bloodied knees are nothing. Toughen up. Why would you need a text about the snow and ice not being cleared on campus? Why would we need more information? I truly admire his willingness to decide for us what sacrifices are necessary. Someone at this university needs to make the hard decisions.
But he’s not the only example of an excellent communicator around campus. We have options! If the icy, flaky nature of Alert Carolina ever becomes too chill for you, fret not! There’s another college student’s unserious alarmist confidant who is here to save the day.
Sick of the ethos of Alert Carolina’s avoidant attachment style, like many of us, I find comfort in Yik Yak’s endless platitudes. And what more reliable system could there possibly be than a horde of anonymous students spreading their unfiltered thoughts at whim? At a “new Ivy” like UNC, I’m so grateful I’ll always have my peers as a failsafe of emergency communications to rely on.
If Alert Carolina is an unreliable, avoidant friend, Yik Yak is the friend who blows up my phone. He thinks University administration is colluding against the student body because the Bojangles worker shorted them a tender on their PLUS Swipe meal, and you better believe you need to know about it.
That’s why, to be fair to him, I admire Alert Carolina’s restraint. In a world of 24/7 news coverage, where every disaster and crime is weaponized for engagement and political talking points, it’s comforting to know that our campus alert system isn’t alarmist. In fact, he’s the most nonchalant entity in Chapel Hill. Alert practices true mindfulness, existing only in the present moment — usually doing his job several hours after the urgency has passed.
So, I’ve accepted our friendship for what it is. I can’t change him. I can’t force him to communicate. Next time there is an emergency, I won’t wait for a text. I’ll just assume that the danger is technically 15 feet off campus and, therefore, cannot hurt me — and you should consider assuming the same.
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