Artist Profile: Madonna – The Onion

Madonna took home seven awards at the VMAs on Sunday, making her the night’s biggest winner. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Madonna’s return to the spotlight. 

Announcement

Age: Physically pains your mom to hear

Biggest Hit: Goes on for a minute too long

Philanthropic Cause: Tiny leather corsets for dogs

Spouses: Sean Penn (1985–1989), Guy Ritchie (2000–2008), MrBeast (2019–2022)

Current Lover: Exhausted

Announcement

Reason For Return: Recommended by occupational therapist

How She Unwinds: Goes out in public as Madonna the actress so people leave her alone

Biggest Controversy: Parked too close to a fire hydrant once

Announcement

What’s Next: Someone’s aunt suggesting she run for president