Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the public had no reason to be alarmed over his temporary leave, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) clarified Friday that his absence from Congress was due to a brief planned trip to the afterlife. “While I understand people’s concern, I’ve simply been on a routine visit to the next world,” said the seven-term Republican, who added that he had participated in similar diplomatic trips several times this year, establishing connections with key dignitaries in the celestial plane. “Over the past month, I’ve traveled extensively across the infernal region and had many fruitful talks with the Lord of Darkness. But as much as I’ve loved the depths of hell, I’m excited to return to the United States and serve the American people.” At press time, McConnell said he and longtime ally Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) had established an afterlife task force to better advance U.S. interests in the spirit realm.