God Concerned By Q3 Circumcision Numbers

THE HEAVENS—Noting that a marked downward trend had developed this fiscal year and showed no signs of stopping, The Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reported He was concerned Monday over what He called “troubling” Q3 circumcision numbers. “Sure, with the declining birth rate, we expect there to be some slight shrinkage in our margins, but this is well below circumcision projections from 2025,” said the omnipotent creator, adding that the Heavenly Kingdom would need to focus far less on love, holiness, and redemption and far more on cutting the tips off of infant human penises if they even wanted to make a dent in Q4. “I don’t understand, the amount of child mutilations have stayed the same, yet the world’s foreskin concentration continues to climb. I’m hoping it’s just an advertising problem. Abraham? Get in here. I need you to sell humanity on something.” The Lord also went on to add that should next quarter’s figures fail to improve, shareholders may demand He oust Jews as the chosen people.

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