USDA Fills Key Advisory Role With Prominent Chewing Skeptic

WASHINGTON—In a move that has drawn widespread criticism from health experts across the country, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Tuesday that it had filled a key advisory role with a prominent chewing skeptic. “MAHA influencer Brad Holclaw has been a fierce opponent of the chewing-industrial complex, and we’re confident that he’ll work tirelessly to change American swallowing habits in his new position as chair of our Advisory Panel on Chewing Practices,” said Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins, adding that Holclaw’s appointment was intended to restore public trust in gulping down sandwiches in one go. “For too long, chewing food has wreaked havoc on Americans’ teeth and left their esophaguses too weak to force down a full grapefruit through peristalsis. But that ends today. Brad Holclaw is already helping us to develop revised childhood mastication guidelines, and soon Americans will finally be directed to swallow healthy, whole foods whole, which is the way our bodies were designed to nourish themselves.” Reached for comment, Rollins defended previous remarks made by Holclaw in which he suggested that choking could be treated with the antiparasitic medication ivermectin.