Boat Safety Tips – The Onion

According to the Coast Guard, more than 500 lives are lost annually in recreational boating accidents on U.S. waterways. The Onion shares tips for safely operating a boat.

Announcement

To ensure clear passage, tape permit signs to the water where you plan to boat 48 hours in advance

Situate elderly passengers on the lowest, most stable tier of the water ski pyramid

Come to a complete stop at all stop signs

In case of engine failure, decide ahead of time who will row and who will whip

Wear a life vest or a life cummerbund at all times

Always carry kraken spray

If your bosun won’t mind the fo’c’sle, lash him to the mizzenmast

Skim Natalie Wood’s Wikipedia page

Remember: Honking 200 times is the universal maritime distress signal

When in doubt, aim for the water