Politixia
CHICAGO—Watching in horror as the wheezing man hacked directly into his palm before grabbing the nearest handrail, local bus passenger Derek Lawson told reporters Thursday that the guy violently coughing across the aisle from him better just have throat cancer. “So help me God, if I get bronchitis right before my vacation because this guy hacking up a lung is not, in fact, succumbing to pharyngeal cancer, I’m gonna lose my shit,” said Lawson, adding that the only reasonable excuse for the man to be unleashing wet, full-bodied coughs all over the 66 westbound bus during rush hour would be a tragic, malignant tumor that posed no threat of spreading a highly contagious virus to other passengers. “Seriously, if this guy is not deep in the throes of stage IV, I’ll be so pissed. Like, the same sleeve he keeps coughing into is brushing against the backpack of the woman in front of him as we speak. Unless he’s currently on his way to chemo, he’s straight-up turning this whole goddamn bus into a petri dish.” At press time, Lawson was reportedly relieved to see the man cough up a little blood in a way that seemed more indicative of excruciating terminal illness than something that could potentially give everyone else the sniffles.
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