RFK Jr. Reminded Not To Microwave Himself In Office Kitchen

WASHINGTON—Responding to repeated complaints about the smell and the difficulty of reheating lunch while the U.S. Cabinet member was still rotating inside the appliance, Department of Health and Human Services staffers reportedly had to remind Robert F. Kennedy Jr. not to microwave himself in the office kitchen. “This is a shared space, and it’s upsetting for employees to walk in and see Secretary Kennedy sparking and wailing in there while his skin blisters under the incandescent light,” one HHS source told reporters Wednesday, adding that the nation’s top health official will often spend 20-minute stretches cooking inside the microwave in what Kennedy says is an effort to “nuke the breeding grounds” for various carcinomas and autism spectrum disorder. While he claims he has President Trump’s full support to do so, the source expressed doubts. “People just want to warm up their leftovers without having to clean liquefied ear cartilage off the turntable. Plus, the severe internal thermal burns make his burps smell like a corpse, and that’s not something you want in a workplace.” At press time, sources confirmed Kennedy was once again inside the microwave and had warned staffers not to open the door lest all the miasma retreat back into his bones.