Everyone Needs To Calm   Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone

CLARKTON, NC—Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down. “Okay, everyone, let’s just take a deep breath and pull ourselves together,” said Kruze, who, after discharging his firearm while wrongfully assuming the safety was on, suggested that a moment of peace and quiet would be clutch for regaining composure. “It’s important that we all take a step back to collect ourselves. We don’t want to do something we might regret, like call the police. Fuck, Dave, for Christ’s sake, will you stop bleeding? You’re freaking everyone out!” At press time, sources confirmed Kruze’s attempt to get everyone to calm down had hit a roadblock after he accidentally shot several more people. 

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